Cullens Dot Com
by leslie grace
Summary: When the Cullens get together to create a website of their own for magical kinds and IM-ing, things can get a little bit weird...
1. Emmet Takes Lessons

A/N: Okay, well I am going to use the whole Twilight-IM idea, and I know its been done before, and I know it is totally mindless and stupid, but I don't get to write much humor in my fanfic nowadays and I thought it could be fun! Plus, I'm trying to reach other audiences and this allows me to be stupid, random, and dirty. Hope you like it!

_Here's the screen names of most of the characters, at least the important ones:__DieGrizzlyDie!_ – Emmet

_BlondeBetch _- Rosalie

_VolvosWillPrevail _– Edward

_BlusheswithVampires_ – Bella

_LetsGetSomeShoes _– Alice

_Emo-tion _– Jasper

_Dr. SparklePire _– Carlisle

_MomsHaveMoreThanEyesBehind _– Esme

_RunningNaked _– Jacob

_Loch-Nessie _– Renesmee

_BlusheswithVampires has signed on._

_VolvosWillPrevail has signed on._

_DieGrizzlyDie! has signed on._

BlusheswithVampires: Stupid sheep.

VolvosWillPrevail: Stupid cats.

DieGrizzlyDie!: Um?

VolvosWillPrevail: See it's like this… We were all like in the meadow of Great Twinkly-Vapmires and Bella's all like 'I love you baby.' and I'm like 'And so the lion fell in love with the lamb.' And she's like 'Ooo stupid lamb.' and I'm like 'Nu-uh stupid sick lion' and she's like 'Wanna make out?'

BlusheswithVampires: *blush* Edward it did not happen like that! I was like 'I love you' and you're like 'Pre-marital holding hands NOT OKAY!' and I was like 'Damn' and then you're like 'Hey get on my back and I'll try to kill you with trees and when that doesn't work I'll just kiss you and make you feel all dizzy and then jack you're truck keys and…'

VolvosWillPrevail: *interrupts* You are so hot when you're angry.

BlusheswithVampires: That's not fair EddiePoo! I didn't even get to the part where you called me a baby seal!

DieGrizzlyDie!: BAHAHAHA! Virgins are so retardedly stupid.

VolvosWillPrevail: First of all, retardedly is not a word. Second of all…

_VolvosWillPrevail has signed off._

DieGrizzlyDie!: Uh, where'd he go?

BlusheswithVampires: I don't… wow. Hi Edward. What happened to your clothes? And why do you have chocolate sauce? And now you are reaching for the power button on my compu

_BlusheswithVampires has signed off._

DieGrizzlyDie!: Hey… not a bad idea. Rosie, do you have any chocolate sauce?


	2. Carlisle! Please knock!

_A/N: I'm going to kind of tone it down from last chapter. It had to be really out there to grab attention because it was the first chapter, but now I can be a bit subtler. Enjoy!__DieGrizzlyDie!_ – Emmet

_BlondeBetch _- Rosalie

_VolvosWillPrevail _– Edward

_BlusheswithVampires_ – Bella

_LetsGetSomeShoes _– Alice

_Emo-tion _– Jasper

_Dr. SparklePire _– Carlisle

_MomsHaveMoreThanEyesBehind _– Esme

_BlusheswithVampires has posted a new blog entry!_

OMG! OMG! Oops, I mean OME! OME! OMFE! So me and Edward were all like 'hey babay' and we were about to like totally get it on, but CARLISLE walked in! He was like 'oh um… urm eh sorry?' and left I was like 'whatever you bastard! You're a vampire and you totally heard us!' then I was like 'oh jeebus! The whole house could hear us. *Hangs head in shame*' and Edward's like 'Bella I am so sorry but I am going to go all bitchy on your arse and be responsible. We cannot get it on until we are married even if Emmet harasses us for our sex life.' And I was like 'damn.'

COMMENTS

BlondeBetch: Try to seduce him while we're all out hunting. Or just drag him to that cute little meadow of yours and be like 'bam!'. Works every time.

_BlondeBetch gives two kudos points to BlusheswithVampires's blog._

Emo-tion: Yeah besides we were too busy trying NOT to hear Rosalie and Emmet to even know that's what you were doing. Ten times worse. Mostly because they actually used the chocolate sauce.

BlusheswithVampires: *sigh* Edward just made me an ice cream sundae. *Sob* I'm gonna get FAAAAAAAAAAAAT!

Emo-tion: Jeeze Bella, you're driving me crazy. Last night I was crazy turned on, this morning I was crazy rejected, and now I'm having the peculiar feeling that I have manboobs. Do you mind slowing the emotion train?

DieGrizzlyDie!: Tehe. Manboobs.

Emo-tion: Oh, shut up!

BlusheswithVampires: I'm sorry Jasper.

Emo-tion: AND NOW GUILT! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

Dr. SparklePire: *clears throat* I'm sorry Bella. I was actually coming to ask Edward to put on one of his freakishly loud CDs on his freakishly loud stereo system.

Emo-tion: EMBARRASSMENT! OVERWHELMING EMBARRASSMENT!

Dr. SparklePire: And furthermore, you know that Esme and I have absolutely no policy on sex considering that's pretty much how we all spend every moment of our free time in this house, and so I'm very sorry to hear you're block-headed boyfriend is soooo 1900s.

Emo-tion: And clearly Edward just walked in because now I'm feeling well… uh… *crosses legs conveniently to hide something*

LetsGetSomeShoes: I could help with that!

Emo-tion: See you in five?

LetsGetSomeShoes: Try two.

DieGrizzlyDie!: This is weird. Normally I'm the one talking about that kind of stuff.

BlondeBetch: Well, today I'm actually going shopping so…

DieGrizzlyDie!: Three out of four people dream about having sex in public.

BlondeBetch: Lemme email you the cyber-coffee-shop's address.

Dr. SparklePire: This sucks. I'm at the hospital.

MomsHaveMoreThanEyesBehind: Coat closet?

Dr. SparklePire: Smooooch! Oh yea. BTW I love your screen name. And I know _everything_ that's behind if you know what I mean.

MomsHaveMoreThanEyesBehind: *speeds away in very fast Cullen car* tehe

LetsGetSomeShoes: Bella?

BlusheswithVampires: You're still on? I thought you'd be uh… well you know…

LetsGetSomeShoes: *winks* Thanks for the convenient display of emotions. He is…

_LetsGetSomeShoes gives five Kudos points to BlusheswithVampires's blog._

BlusheswithVampires: I DON'T WANT TO KNOW.

VolvosWillPrevail: Know what love?

BlusheswithVampires: Why are we talking on this? We're in the same room.

VolvosWillPrevail: Because every time you look at me you blush uncontrollably for reasons unknown to myself.

BlusheswithVampires: *blush*

VolvosWillPrevail: See what I mean?

BlusheswithVampires: I just want to know why you are a briefs kind of guy. I pegged you as boxers.

VolvosWillPrevail: Gah! *Blush* uh… sorry about that love… I just… I was… in my room… and I… forgot to… get… redressed?

BlusheswithVampires: That's really creepy.


	3. laPUSH

A/N: Haven't updated this in forever, but its finally Time for more randomness!

_**DieGrizzlyDie!**_** – Emmet**

_**BlondeBetch **_**- Rosalie**

_**VolvosWillPrevail **_**– Edward**

_**BlusheswithVampires**_** – Bella **

_**LetsGetSomeShoes **_**– Alice**

_**Emo-tion **_**– Jasper**

_**Dr. SparklePire **_**– Carlisle**

_**MomsHaveMoreThanEyesBehind **_**– Esme**

_**RunningNaked **_**– Jacob**

_**Loch-Nessie **_**– Renesmee**

_**Two new members have joined **__**!**_

_**RunningNaked has signed on!**_

_**Loch-Nessie has signed on!**_

_**VolvosWillPrevail has signed on!**_

**RunningNaked: Hey guys!**

**VolvosWillPrevail: Leave. Now. *goes vampire on your ass* Bella and Nessie are MIIIINE!**

**Loch-Nessie: Inbreeding leads to incurable diseases and stupidity, dad.**

**VolvosWillPrevail: Oh. Ehm. Soooo not what I meant.**

**Loch-Nessie: *hides in her room* Wait! Ah! You live in the same house as me! I can't hide! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! Help!**

**RunningNaked: Well I know a place..**

**Loch-Nessie: Out in LaPush?**

**RunningNaked: "Oh, I'll LaPush you.." He muttured.. *cough cough* *sneeze* Nvm.**

**Loch-Nessie: Are you sick baby?**

**VolvosWillPrevail: No.**

**RunningNaked: She meant me f*cktard. Haha. Ha. Ha. Heh. HEE!**

**VolvosWillPrevail: *sob***

**Loch-Nessie: Creepy. *dramatically* "I'll never love you the way I love him! Get over it! And Chevys totally OWN Volvo's asses! Like hxc!"**

**VolvosWillPrevail: I'm disowning you young lady.**

**RunningNaked: Well I know this place in LAH-PUSH-AY, if you need a place to LAH-PUSH-STAY. M'KAY-AY?**

**Loch-Nessie: Tehe:)**

**VolvosWillPrevail: Oh I'll show you LaPush! I'll LaPush you right off a cliff!**

_**BlushesWithVampires has signed on!**_

**BlushesWithVampires: Will someone please laPUSH ME?!**

_**DieGrizzlyDie! has signed on!**_

**DieGrizzlyDie!: Like a lolly-pop.**

**BlushesWithVampires: What?**

**DieGrizzlyDie! : Wait. Push-pops are icecream huh?**

**BlushesWithVampires: Idk. What are they made of? Seriously? Does anybody really know?**

**VolvosWillPrevail: Bella, love, how many times must I tell you that we have to wait?**

**BlushesWithVampires: *pouts* Why?**

**VolvosWillPrevail: Because I want to save your gawd-damned soul from hell!**

**DieGrizzlyDie! : Tehe. Virgins.**

**VolvosWillPrevail: I'm going to go buy you a purity ring, okay Bella? Then every time we look at it we'll know, and we'll wait, and we'll be together forever! How about diamonds? Ohhh! And we could engrave "waiting for eternity" on it so that we know that we're waiting until we start our eternal marriage lives together! Oh and then we'll get a matching ring to go with it once we're married that has "eternity has come" engraved on it and together they'll fit perfectly like you and me and that'll be your wedding ring and OMB!!!**

_**VolvosWillPrevail has signed off.**_

**RunningNaked: Bella?**

**BlushesWithVampires: Hmm?**

**RunningNaked: I'll laPUSH you anytime *smolders eyes***

**Loch-Nessie: JACOB BLACK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**RunningNaked: Yes?**

**Loch-Nessie: I'm going to beat you with a toaster.**

**RunningNaked: Uhh…?**

_**Loch-Nessie has signed off.**_

**RunningNaked: Uhm. Where'd she go?**

**Nessie.**

**Wait.**

**NO!**

**We can talk about this!**

**What are you doing with that toaster?**

**It toasts in the shape of a skull?**

**Sweet!**

**WAIT!**

**NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**

**HEL**

_**RunningNaked has been destroyed.**_

**BlushesWithVampires: Uh. Kay. You still there Emmet?**

**DieGrizzlyDie! : …**

**BlushesWithVampires: Uhhh?**

**DieGrizzlyDie! : Push pops are just frozen fruit juice. This is such crap.**

_**DieGrizzlyDie! stormed off.**_

_**BlushesWithVampires: Well. This Sucks.**_


End file.
